...Their friend Mike, the one we were s'posed to give the manuscript to. We were in his hospital room. Everything was real hazy, like. Like I was rememberin' everything from both there and here at the same time, but. Seein' that made it clearer, I think.
[junah... it comes right before karl and karlach in the alphabet... i'm so right about this.]
Oh.
[well, at least it's slightly a relief that the difference isn't just that fidelio is a fundamentally better person. though it still feels a little bit that it might be true. just like he was the one who didn't want to leave yves behind, just like he was the one who actually tried to fight back.]
I think it was having us hunt them down. [and then maybe the other dead there were just ancillary to that.]
May I ask something? [biting her lip.] Is there any part of what happened that either of you would prefer I not tell anyone of?
[ well, he feels a little bit the same. that fidelio might just be a better person, that shadowheart could at least stop herself before the worst of it, but -- if there's anything stopping him from going down a worse path with this it's that he doesn't want to hurt shadowheart in the crossfire of trying to destroy himself. ]
... Don't tell Kaworu.
[ look. it's probably for the best if he doesn't know what happened there. the rest: the cowardice, the slaughter, the inability to control anything about himself. well. that's just part of it now. ]
[ i don't think he even knows who all they killed in that place unless he happened to pass a corpse in the doorway with eupha, but he thinks he can infer what that means. ]
...Got it.
Nothin' to hold back on my account. Reckon I'll end up givin' most of it away without ever sayin' a word whether I want to or not.
[ as much as he would like to not tell basilio what happened in the sewers. ]
[she was sort of asking because she wanted to know about basilio. she wasn't there for the part with kaworu, but still still instantly understands, nods.]
I won't. You can tell anyone anything, for me as well.
[yeah. he looked extremely bad, and then he cried, which was so alarming even though she was also crying]
I just couldn't think clearly, for whatever reason. Someone I trust told me to go ahead and do what was needed, so I did. And it took me a while, to even notice that it didn't make sense.
[ yeah, he hasn't really cried before. not for a long time, anyway. certainly not here. not even when hawke died - his wells of grief are deep and dark, but he's not a crier. maybe it's not the worst thing if it happened. ]
[you guys. even though everything is awful, it's nice to have this - to know that whatever those feelings are that linger from a life that never existed, everyone still has them. those childhood friendships feel like they mattered.]
[ its probably a little sick and wrong, considering they were killed horribly and also it was a nightmare adventure with a sewer clown, but there's something a little nice about having two people now that he feels as if he's known for a lifetime who haven't died or left or hate his guts. they've known each other about a month but also since they were children. ]
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Lady Junah was there for me, but...
[ frowns ]
...Their friend Mike, the one we were s'posed to give the manuscript to. We were in his hospital room. Everything was real hazy, like. Like I was rememberin' everything from both there and here at the same time, but. Seein' that made it clearer, I think.
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Oh.
[well, at least it's slightly a relief that the difference isn't just that fidelio is a fundamentally better person. though it still feels a little bit that it might be true. just like he was the one who didn't want to leave yves behind, just like he was the one who actually tried to fight back.]
I think it was having us hunt them down. [and then maybe the other dead there were just ancillary to that.]
May I ask something? [biting her lip.] Is there any part of what happened that either of you would prefer I not tell anyone of?
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... Don't tell Kaworu.
[ look. it's probably for the best if he doesn't know what happened there. the rest: the cowardice, the slaughter, the inability to control anything about himself. well. that's just part of it now. ]
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...Got it.
Nothin' to hold back on my account. Reckon I'll end up givin' most of it away without ever sayin' a word whether I want to or not.
[ as much as he would like to not tell basilio what happened in the sewers. ]
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I won't. You can tell anyone anything, for me as well.
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It's your story to tell, as it is.
[ ... ]
If you the two of you want your distance from me, I understand.
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Not doin' that.
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[which, for the record, is absolutely wretched. she's never going to stop feeling shame and horror at the memory of what happened.]
And I for one am tired of letting people who only want to hurt me dictate to me who I must be.
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... They made me Tranquil. I didn't feel anything about it, while I was doing it.
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I just couldn't think clearly, for whatever reason. Someone I trust told me to go ahead and do what was needed, so I did. And it took me a while, to even notice that it didn't make sense.
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... I'm glad you were both there. At the end.
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Appreciated you both goin' down into that sewer with me before too. Don't think I was in any state to say so at the time.
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[you guys. even though everything is awful, it's nice to have this - to know that whatever those feelings are that linger from a life that never existed, everyone still has them. those childhood friendships feel like they mattered.]
I'm glad, too.
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[ its probably a little sick and wrong, considering they were killed horribly and also it was a nightmare adventure with a sewer clown, but there's something a little nice about having two people now that he feels as if he's known for a lifetime who haven't died or left or hate his guts. they've known each other about a month but also since they were children. ]